Back where we are supposed to be
by 10ismydoctor
Summary: Jim x Pam AU: Sometimes, a phone call can completely change your life, and it can also effect people you have never even met. What would have happened if Jim had taken a different path instead of becoming a paper salesman?
1. Chapter 1

Jim Halpert had everything a young man could wish for: money, nice suits, a great loft in New York City, a lot of women lining up to date him. He was envied by a lot of people. His family was proud of him. He had made it big time. But still, he was unhappy. There was something missing from his life, like he had nothing that really mattered to him. He was also very lonely. His so called friends were all assholes, and most of the women he had met were shallow and sadly empty. Just like he was. He didn't even remember how to actually being in love with someone felt like.

His last girlfriend, Annabelle, cheated on him with one of his colleagues. That day was impressed in his mind, because it was probably what most people would call "hitting the bottom". Or at least, the beginning of a very slow descend into misery and self pity.

It happened six months ago. He had decided to get home early, pulling some strings and calling in some favors to have Adam cover for him. It wasn't easy, cause Adam was annoying and arrogant and, well, just a huge piece of shit. But he wanted to surprise Annabelle by cooking her dinner, cause he never did things like that anymore, not like when he was a dumb, romantic college kid. He just felt this impulse to do something, to make an effort for once. He didn't want this relationship to just fade away and slowly die like every other one he had had so far. And it wasn't because he had particularly deep feelings for her. He just wanted this to last because at least it was better than being alone again. It was just...a better option. It looked like what a normal 30 years old guy should do. And maybe he would eventually get used to it and pretend he was actually happily in love. A pretty wife was maybe the only thing missing from this ridiculous plastic life he was living. What harm could a little bit more of pretending actually do? It was all he did all the time anyway.

So that evening he went grocery shopping, he picked up wine and even candles. The cashier smiled at him while he was in line, cause apparently he looked like a really good boyfriend. He smiled back feeling like a complete fraud. He walked in his apartment with a lot of bag in his hands, pushing the door open with his shoulder. The moment he got inside, the bags immediately fell down from his hands. There was Annabelle, naked, on top of a just as much naked Alex.

"What the fuck is happening?" is what Jim said. It was a pretty ridicolous question cause there was no misunderstanding what was happening there, no matter how much she tried to convince him it was "not like it looked". The whole being naked thing wasn't really helping her cause, and she was being very pathetic in that moment.

The weirdest thing of all was that Jim didn't feel any pain. He felt relieved. She had just offered him a way out without him having to make any actual decision. Looking at Annabelle crying and trying to explain while Alex ran out of the door half naked, he had only one simple, reasonable question in his mind, and he actually started laughing hysterically: "Why the fuck would you do this in my apartment?" Apparently, it was "more dangerous". To this day Jim couldn't understand how could have she been so stupid. He really dodged a bullet.

That was the night the drinking started. He was so disgusted by Annabelle, by Alex and most of all by his own lack of emotional reactions that he decided passing out on the couch was actually better than facing himself and trying to understand what the hell was wrong with him, cause clearly, something must have been wrong. He was clearly broken.

How did he end up like that? In the following months he asked himself this same question over and over, between a sip of Whiskey and a beer. He never managed to find a satisfying answer.

He was so hopeful when he moved to New York, back when he was just a bit more than a kid. He remembered it like it was yesterday, applying for a job at a record label, just an intern job, nothing fancy, but it seemed like a cool idea to work with artists. He had no expectation to actually get the job, but against all odds he got the call while he was going to an interview for a job in some lame little paper company.

He was already in the parking lot, looking at the very depressive office building, thinking about how horrible it would actually be to work in there. He saw a bunch of people passing by his car. There was this guy, dressed in a suit, not very tall, acting like he was telling the funniest joke in the world. Next to him there was a weird tall guy with a mustard shirt and glasses who laughed at everything the man said, while a black guy rolled his eyes and looked completely done with the entire world. That did not look like a happy place to work. Right when he was opening his car door to get out, his phone rang.

"Mr Halpert?"

"Yes, it's me."

"I'm Jodie, I am calling about your job application."

He almost didn't let her finish. He immediately turned the car around, almost running over a tiny blond woman who almost killed him with a look.

He got home packed a bag and started looking for apartments.

Two days after, he officially moved to New York. His apartment was really small and his roommate was a nightmare, constantly complaining about Jim's mess, but he felt happy and truly lucky. He was in New York! He had left Scranton! He was working in the music industry! It was like all his dreams were suddenly becoming true.

The first year was was incredible. He was overwhelmed by the city. He met so many different people and he made so many new experiences and saw things he could have only imagine back in such a little town like the one he grew up in. Museums, theaters, the best restaurants, concerts. It was all so perfect in the eyes of a 22 years old kid from a small town.

But now things were so different. He was 30 and growing tired of the chaos of the city. His work wasn't funny anymore. He was a big shot in the label, which meant mostly bureaucracy and meetings with annoying managers and terrible publicists for shitty bands. He never met any actual musician anymore, only the big shots who were mostly spoiled brats once you got over the excitement to meet them. He had completely lost his passion.

He didn't know who the fuck he was anymore. He missed the goofy, funny, positive guy he used to be. Now he was an empty ghost in an expensive suit. His life was slipping away from him.

Sitting in his apartment, the fourth drink of the night in his hands, he wondered what would have had happened to him if the phone call never came. If he had stayed in Scranton. Would he have been happier? Or would he have been a sad, terrible person all the same?

He drank. And then drank again. Alcohol was becoming a problem lately, and he was scared of himself, even if he didn't want to admit it. He didn't want to go down that path. He felt like such a cliche.

The phone rang. It took Jim a couple of minutes to find it.

"Hello?"

"Where the fuck are you, Halpert?" It was Frank, his boss. And he did not sound happy.

"What? I'm...I'm...home. Why?" Jim wasn't really sure if he was awake or just dreaming this.

"We had a meeting with that shitty indie band manager! You are almost an hour late!"

"Shit. Shit! I'm coming. I'll be right there." Jim had completely forgotten about the meeting. It was a pretty important one and there were a lot of money at stake here.

He could barely stand up straight, the room was spinning around him and the simple task of getting dressed seemed like climbing a mountain. A really big one. He didn't even tried to put is tie on.

He almost got run over while trying to stop a cab.

"Get out of the way! Are you insane?"

"I...stop. I need a cab. Can you take me please?" He was sweating a lot, he could feel it all over his blue shirts. Not a good color idea.

"No way, you are drunk!"

"I'll give you 200 bucks."

"Ok, but do not puke in my cab!"

He had no idea where the meeting was, and that it took him three attempts to finally find Frank's number on his phone, cause he kept messing up with his touchscreen and he actually started shouting at "these stupid modern phones" before finally finding the number and getting the adress. At least he managed to not get sick in the backseat.

He got inside the restaurant looking homeless. Frank walked toward him like he was ready to murder him on the spot, without caring about witnesses.

"Are you fucking drunk? You've got to be kidding me!" He was exasperated and a more than a bit scary.

"What? Me? No! I am fine. I am fine. Just...I had one drink but I am fine." Jim was convinced he sounded absolutely believable. In fact, he was slumbering his speech pretty bad.

"You piece of shit, you are gonna cost me a lot of money. Do not ruin this or you are done." Frank's face was so red Jim got worried he was gonna have an heart attack. Would that be considered his fault, technically? His head was hurting so bad with all this thinking!

Their potential client, tired of waiting for the two idiots arguing at the front door, decided to get a closer look at what was going on, so he walked up to them.

"Is everything ok Mr Daniels?" He asked to a flustered Frank.

Jim immediately jumped in and shook the client's hand. The client did not look happy for all the sweating.

"Everything is perfect, Mr...Mr..." He could not remember this guy's name at all. B...B something. Berger? Basket?

"Bennett. We talked on the phone." He sounded very, very annoyed and ready to get the hell out of there.

"Bennett, sure, of course! I'm Jim Halpert, I am gonna be taking care of..." The running down the stairs, the cab drive, the hot and claustrophobic restaurant were too much for Jim to handle, he just couldn't help himself anymore. He felt it immediately, the taste in his mouth. He knew it was coming but there was nothing he could do to stop it. It was all too much. He ended up throwing up on his client's very expensive shoes.

"You are fucking fired Halpert, you hear me? You are gone!" Those words screamed at him by Frank where the last thing Jim would remember about that night.


	2. Of footballs and swings

Like every single day, Pam was sitting at her desk, bored to death. She was doodling something on her notepad, checking her clock every few seconds, pushing the minutes till she could finally get the hell out of that office and put on some pajamas. Just ten more minutes.

She hated her job. It was so pointless and insignificant. Being a receptionist wasn't exactly the most compelling and gratifying job in the world, but having to do that in a place like Dunder Mifflin Scranton? That was an absolute nightmare. She basically had to babysit her boss and listen to her coworkers complaining all day. She had no real friend in there. No one really talked to her, they barely glanced at her in the morning when they came in. There was not one single thing in her workplace that could make her excited to get up in the morning.

When she started working in that crazy place, she took comfort in the fact that it was all supposed to be just temporary. Roy and her had just got engaged and she needed money for the wedding, so the moment he hear the receptionist from his place of work had left, he immediately asked Michael to consider Pam for the job.

"It's gonna be awesome babe, we are gonna work in the same building!"

"Yeah. That is gonna be great. I am just a bit worried about the five receptionists leaving this job in the past 2 years..."

The moment she took her first step in that office, she immediately knew why every single girl had ran away. Still, she was still there, almost six years later. She managed to resist. It should have been just a couple of years, until they were settled and she could have started art classes and moved on to a better job while Roy would have probably been promoted to head or the whole warehouse. It sounded like a solid plan.

Things didn't exactly go that way, obviously. She was still sitting at the same damn desk. She didn't go to art school. Roy pointed out to her that it was insane to spend so much for "just an hobby" that was "clearly not going anywhere" and that she should have kept her safe, steady job because "it was not like she could hope for something that much better." So she believed him. She stopped hoping. She stopped dreaming. There was no house with a terrace. There was no becoming a children's book illustrator. There was no moving to a big city full of arts. There was only real life, and she really hadn't anything to complain about. She had a husband, a job, a house. Wasn't that all she needed? Then why was she always so...unsatisfied? What was wrong with her?

She looked at her wedding picture. The woman staring back at her didn't look much happier. Her smile seemed forced. She remembered how she had felt for the whole day: like she had a brick in her stomach. Probably that was normal, being nervous the day of your wedding. But what if it wasn't?

She couldn't believe that the love they talked about in songs could be just that: long silences, constant fighting, that sense of boredom and predictability. That deep loneliness. But how was she supposed to know for sure?

She had met Roy when she was just 15. He was the school team's quarterback, he was popular and handsome and older. He was completely out of her league. She never even considered the idea that he could like someone like her, and honestly, she thought he was kind of an idiot. When he asked her to the dance, she almost said no, but Isabelle pushed her elbow into her side so violently she thought she was gonna make a hole in there, so she ended up saying yes more to make her happy than for herself. Her plan was to go to the dance with him and then tell him she was not interested, but plans never really worked out the way Pam imagined them. That night, Roy was actually really nice to her, he wasn't anything like she was expecting. He was cute and he made her laugh. She let him kiss her when he brought her home. The next Saturday they went to a Hockey game for their official first date and from that moment they had never really been apart. He was the only man she had ever been with.

Sometimes she just wondered if she was missing something, but all these though accomplished nothing but to make her feel guilty. She didn't want to be like this. She wanted to be a good wife. She wanted to make Roy happy. He wasn't a bad man, after all. He had his flaws, obviously, but who didn't? She knew way too well that she wasn't perfect either. Maybe that was love, being together to share their imperfections. That sounded poetic enough, like something from a Valentine's Day card, so maybe she could just believe it.

"Hey Pammy, are you done yet?" Her husband materialized at her desk and she jumped, scared and guilty like she thought he could read her mind.

"You scared me! I didn't see you come in." She started playing with her necklace, moving her fingers around the little golden chain, like she needed a way to keep her hands busy.

"Always with your head up in the clouds, right? You should pay more attention, what if I was a costumer?"

She forced a smile. She hated when he talked to her like she was a child, but she was in no mood to fight.

"I'm sorry, you're right. Just five more minutes, I'm waiting for a fax. You can wait in the car if you want."

"Cool. Hurry up, I have to go out with the guys in an hour."

"Are you not eating home? I was gonna cook..." He didn't even let her finish. She hated that as well.

"Don't start with the guilt trip. I worked my ass off all day, I deserve to have some fun with my friends"

"Yeah, sure, of course." She couldn't really deny that to him, could she? "I'd have some lasagna waiting for you in case you are hungry when you get home."

"Thanks, you're the best. Now please, hurry up, cause if you're not down in five minutes I'll leave you here." There was a second of silence. Pam was looking at him with a stunned expression until he smiled at her. "Just kidding! You should have seen your face! But really, move please." And as fast as he'd appeared, he was gone. She was pretty sure it wasn't normal that for a moment she totally believed he was just gonna leave her at the office.

Jane, the sales woman sitting at the desk in front of her, gave Roy an appreciative look. Pam was used to it, but she never found the courage to tell her to fuck off. She wasn't that kind of person. She was polite and quiet. Maybe that's why people had no problem walking all over her. She wished she had more courage, she really did.

"Pam! Pam! Pam!" Michael's voice was calling her from his office. Just when she thought her day couldn't get any worse.

15 minutes later, on the ride home, they were silent. He had made a scene cause he had to wait for her for ten minutes, and she apologized and explained but he just didn't care. All he knew was that he was gonna be late. Still, it wasn't like she was mad at him. Lately, anger wasn't really an emotion she could manage to have. She was just worried. It was really worrisome to her that in the last week they had dined together only two nights, one of which was actually at Roy's parents' place. What kind of family were they? Maybe that was the problem: they weren't a family yet. Maybe she should have listened to Roy and just had a baby? The idea just terrified her. She just wasn't sure she could ever be a good mom. She didn't seem to have that warm and happiness good moms seems to have. Also, having a kid just to try and fix her marriage sounded way too selfish to her.

That night, sitting alone on her couch, drinking a glass of wine while watching Roman Holiday for the millionth time, she suddenly and unexpectedly started crying. She could not stop sobbing. She felt like her chest was breaking in two. There must have been something so very wrong with her for being so ungrateful for the life she had. Why couldn't she accept that she wasn't the heroine of an epic novel or the star of a romantic comedy? She was a real person and her dreams of success and greatness were just ridiculous. This was her life. There was nothing more for her out there. Not anymore, anyway. She was too old, and most of all she was married, and marriage meant she had to give up on her stupid dreams and start to live in reality. She had made her choices and there was no coming back.

She couldn't take it anymore. She put on some clothes and ventured into the crisp June night. She needed to clear her head and walking around her little town was the best way of doing it.

She went to the park, which had always been her favourite place. She sat on a swing, like she used to do when she was a kid, and just stared at the clear sky.

For some reasons, memories of a particular evening started coming back at her. She was probably 12 or 13. Her and Isabelle were sitting on that same exact spot, talking about a boy...what was his name? John Simmons? Danny McBride? All she could remember was that her best friend had a huge crush on him.

"He is so cute, and he is so nice! He picked up my pen from the floor in English class!"

"I think he looks like a mouse." Pam was so tired of listening to her.

"He does not!" Isabelle was outraged at Pam's lack of taste in boys. "You don't understand anything about boys!"

Pam was unmoved by such an accusation. "Why should I? Boys are horrible and stupid."

It was in that exact moment that she got hit in the face by a football, so hard that she feel off the swing, causing Isabelle to laugh hysterically. It was like the universe was trying to prove a point to her, cause the moment she opened her eyes, still laying on the grass, she saw a boy's face standing over her, looking worried and apologetic.

"I am sorry! I am so sorry! It's all my brother's fault, he is an idiot! I am so sorry! Let me help you, are you hurt?" He was talking really fast and he was offering his hand to her to help her get up. She took it and blushed a lot. He was different from the kids at school. He was tall, and his hair where a complete mess, but what really got Pam's attention where his eyes. Big, green and just so warm and kind. Something funny was happening to her, in her stomach. It was a warm feeling.

"I...I am fine, it's OK."

"Are you sure? I am really sorry."

"Yeah. Don't worry." She couldn't stop staring at him and she felt very stupid. Her face felt kinda hot too. She was uncomfortable in a very weird, nice way. Maybe it was the hit on the head? Was she suffering from some sort of concussion?

He smiled at her with the cutest smile. "Good. Again, I am very sorry!" He took his ball and ran back to his brother, but before he reached him, he turned around for a second and shouted "I like your sweater!"

She watched him run towards two older guys, who were laughing and pointing at him. She couldn't look away. It was like she had lost control of her body. She was brought back to reality by Isabelle saying " Well well well...I guess not all boys are gross to you after all..."

"I have no idea what you are talking about. We should go home, I have to do math."

Pam wasn't really sure why she was remembering that exact evening right now, so many years later, on such a hard night for her. Maybe because that was the first time she had had feelings for a boy, even if she didn't even know his name and never saw him again, and that had made her feel very alive, like a whole knew world of possibility was opening up for her. Like the world was just waiting for her.

While she walked back home, she wondered how that cute boy was doing today. She surely hoped he was happier than her.


	3. Chapter 3

When the alarm clock rang, Jim grunted. "Another day."

He thought about what all that meant: getting out of bed, taking a shower, function like a normal human being. His sponsor had told him it was important to get out of bed in the morning. He wasn't sure he believed him, but what choice did he have?

So he got out of bed and looked out the window. The sun was up and kids were riding their bikes around, enjoying the first days of Summer. The town was quiet. Scranton, his home, was so different from New York.

After what he called "the incident," he realized he had to put his life together, and there was no way he could have done it alone in his sad, empty apartment. His sister was, as always, the one who helped him out. She convinced him to go back to Scranton for the summer, just to clear his mind. All it took her was a phone call, and Jim was immediately reminded of just how impressive his little sister was. And how well she knew him.

"Amy, I am not going back home."

"Jim, you can't stay there! You need a change."

"I can go on vacation."

"Jim, come on, you can't be serious."

"OK, let's say I do this. Which I won't. What I would tell mom?"

"How about the truth?"

"Are you kidding me? No way. I am not gonna tell mom I got fired for throwing up on a client's shoes. No way sis."

"Jim, don't be like that."

"Like what?"

"Don't be so stubborn. You are unhappy in New York."

"Well, at least we can agree on that."

"Then come home!"

"Scranton is not my home anymore."

"But we are. You need your family."

That's how she got him, with one simple truth. He needed his family. He couldn't face this alone.

"Ok. But just for the summer. I am not gonna get stuck in there."

"I'll have a room ready for you tomorrow."

So the next morning he packed his bad and got in his car. That two hours drive that was usually so familiar felt completely new to him.

His sister kept his word and turned her attic into a room for him. It was small but comfortable enough, and honestly Jim did not care about anything as long as he had a bed where he could sleep his trouble away after a good drink.

On the downside, Amy's boyfriend, Matt didn't seem particularly happy to have him around. Jim couldn't really blame him. He wasn't happy to have himself around either.

After settling down is his temporary home, the next step was to talk to his parents. He told them a lie, obviously. He said he took a three months paid leave to get over his breakup with Annabelle. It was pathetic, he was aware of that, but it was still less embarrassing than the truth.

His third night in Scranton, he was sitting at his sister's dinner table, alone, drinking his fourth beer. He could hear his sister and Matt talking from their room. The walls were way less thick than they thought.

"I know he's your brother, I get it, but I don't like having a drunk in my house."

"First of all, I think you mean our house. And he is not a drunk."

"Come on Amy, open your eyes!"

"He's in trouble and he needs me. I am not gonna throw him out."

"I'm not talking about throwing him out, but he has a ton of money. Wasn't he a big shot in New York? Why can't he rent an apartment or something?"

"I don't...I don't think it's safe for him to be alone."

"But it's safe for us to have him here? He's a drunk, whatever you wanna admit it or not. If he wants to stay here, he needs to get clean, cause it's not safe for him to be here either."

"I know, I know that he needs to get clean. I know that. Don't you think it's what I want too?"

"So what are you gonna do?"

"I have no idea. I just know I need to help him. I'll figure it out."

"Just be careful. I know you love him, but you never know what he could do..."

"He's not gonna hurt me. He's my big brother. It's gonna be ok."

Jim heard every single word of this conversation. He had never felt more humiliated in his whole life. When his sister came out of the room and sat next to him, he didn't even glance at her.

"I thought you came here to get better."

"What do you want, sis?"

"Sitting around drinking all day doesn't sound like a really solid plan, does it?"

"For fuck's sake, it's just a beer."

"Come on Jim. You know it's not."

"What are you trying to say?" Jim was getting frustrated. This dancing around the subject was bullshit and they both knew it. Why couldn't she just say it?

"I think you might have a problem."

"Really? Wow sis, you are a very great observer. I'm a fuck up who's living in his little sister's attic, so yeah, I have a problem."

"You know what I mean." Amy was trying to be as gentle as possible. Seeing her brother, her funny, loving, childish brother like this was breaking her heart.

"What's this, a fucking intervention? Is this why you wanted me to come here?" He got up and started to yell at her, all his anger and frustration coming to the surface. Amy's eyes were full of tears.

"What happened to you, Jim?"

"I have no fucking clue! That's the whole thing! I have no fucking clue about what's wrong with me!" His screaming was getting louder.

"I think you need help. I think you should talk to someone about...about..."

"About what? About what? Say it. Say I am a fucking alcoholic. Just say it!" He threw the bottle he was holding against the wall, sending little pieces of glass flying everywhere.

Matt immediately ran out of his room and pushed Jim against the wall, worried he was gonna hurt Amy.

"Matt, no, let him go, it's ok. Please." She was crying, but she never believed for a moment Jim was gonna hurt her. What was really scaring her was the look Jim had in his eyes, like he couldn't even understand what he was doing. He was so completely lost.

The moment Matt let go of him, Jim crumbled. He slid down the on the floor, put his head in his hands and for the first time in years he stared to sob. Amy got up and sat next to him, holding him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" he kept repeating between sobs.

"It's ok. You are gonna be ok."

The next morning, Jim went to his first AA meeting. Amy and Matt threw out all the alcohol they had in the house. By now, several meetings later, he had been sober for 17 days, and he had hated every single one of them. His days were just so boring, there was nothing for him to do in Scranton, the only thing that gave him some sort of relief was running, so he ran and ran, rediscovering his childhood home.

The AA meetings were a depressive business. There were people there with horrible, painful stories and Jim always ended up feeling guilty. He never spoke. What was he supposed to say? "Hi, I'm Jim and I became an alcoholic because my life was too perfect?" He was such an asshole.

His sponsor was a 53 years old man called Dan who had been sober for 8 years now. He used to be a lawyer before the addiction caused him to lose his job. Now he and his wife were running a little book shop. It wasn't the most exciting job, but it was what he needed. He had two daughters who supported him and loved him, and he always said they were the ones who saved his life. For Jim, Dan was the proof that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, maybe even for him.

That day, after the meeting, Jim and Dan were sitting at the coffee shop to have a talk, like they always did.

"So, how are you feeling today, young man?" Dan had a tendency to talk like he was 90 instead of 53. He said it was because his life had seemed very long to him. Nevertheless, he was always smiling, he was full of life and energy. In one of their first chats, he told Jim that "if you are lucky enough to get your life back, you learn to appreciate it more."

"I feel like total crap." One of the rules in a sponsorship relation was honesty, so Jim was being very honest.

"Good. It's exactly how you are supposed to feel right now," Dan replied with a little smile.

"Thanks, man. You are very helpful." Jim leaned back on his seat a bit, stretching his legs under the table. Lately he found it very hard to sit still.

"I am not here to comfort you. I am here to tell you the truth."

"Being sober sucks. I am always so conscious. My mind keeps thinking and thinking and I don't know how to stop my brain anymore. Maybe I need a hobby." He took a sip of coffee. It tasted terrible.

"You could pick up your guitar again. You said you loved to play when you where a kid. Also, all the best song are written by sad ass men like you," Dan suggested, taking a bite out of his chocolate chip cookie.

Jim smiled. "Well, thanks again for being so nice to me, but I don't feel very creative. Also, Matt would probably kick my ass out." He reached out his hand, trying to get one of the cookies, but Dan pulled them closer to himself.

"If you wanted some, you should have ordered some. I can't blame the poor guy. He had to throw away his beer."

"I really wish I had kept a bunch of those. I would love to exchange a beer for this fucking terrible coffee." He was not joking.

"Trust me, you don't. You really want to waste everything you have done so far and start all over again? That is definitely not a nice feeling, you can take my word on it."

Jim knew he was right.

When he got home that afternoon, he could instantly tell that Amy and Matt weren't talking to each others. He felt, again, like total crap cause he knew they must have been fighting because of him. It was happening more often. Apparently ruining is own life wasn't enough, now he had to drag his sister down with him. He needed to get his own place as soon as possible, but he still didn't trust himself enough to be alone.

He went straight to his room feeling like an high school kid. He fell on his bed and stared at the ceiling.

"Ok, so. Putting my life together. Sounds easy. Where do I start?" He decided it might be a good idea to start doing something nice for his sister. He could help out around the house. Maybe that could even be his new hobby! It would keep him busy and it would show Amy how grateful he was to her.

The next morning he got up early and announced he was gonna go grocery shopping. His sister smiled at him when she handed him the grocery list.. He smiled back at her. His first real smile in 18 days. It felt good.

So he went to the supermarket, trying to focus on the items he needed to buy and not getting distracted by his own thoughts. This was the hardest part of doing normal things: keeping his concentration.

When he walked into the cereal isle that he saw her. The woman was clearly struggling, trying to get a box of cereal from the highest shelf. Curly hair, green eyes, creamy skin, she was absolutely beautiful. She was wearing a pink work shirt and a pair of immaculate white sneakers. She was standing on her tip toes, the most adorable expression on here face, a mix of concentration and frustration.

Jim moved toward her, picked the box she was looking for and handed it to her. "Here you go."

She turned around with a surprised expression. She looked at him for a moment while her hand started torturing her necklace, then she smiled at him with the prettiest smile he had ever seen. "Thank you." She took the box from him. Now, Jim knew the normal things to do would be to just walk away, but something was just keeping him there.

"Nice choice by the way, those are really good." He was such a loser, what the hell was he doing? Why was he trying to make conversation over cereals? Did he want to be a creep? But she didn't seemed annoyed by him. She was still smiling.

"Thanks. Are you a cereal expert?" she replied with a bright smile and a little mocking sparkle in her eyes.

Jim relaxed a bit. She was joking around with him. It was ok. Just two people making small talk. Nothing weird. That's what people did, right? He could just go with it.

"In fact, I am. I've had a lot of experience as a cereal picker since I was a kid."

"Well, that's impressive." That smile. She was so cute. And it was so nice to just joke around with someone.

"It is. And it's just one of my many food related amazing skills." He was surprised at how natural it felt to joke around with her.

"Really?" she asked, faking an impressed and surprised expression. She let go of her necklace and he noticed the pendent was a little butterfly. It made perfect sense.

"Oh yeah. Also, as you noticed, I can reach high shelves."

"Oh definitely. That's very useful. I kinda envy you."

"I really don't know how you short people survive in this world." He shook his head, like he was feeling sympathetic for her.

"Hey, I'm not short. You're just way too tall." Her smile was getting brighter and brighter every second. Or at least that's how it felt to him.

"Wow, that's harsh." They looked at each other for a moment, smiling.

The eye contact between them was becoming a bit awkward, but Jim was apparently incapable of moving from his spot. She was the one who broke the silence, looking down at her feet.

"I...I should go." She clinged to her little silver butterfly again.

"Yeah...sure." He suddenly felt incredibly self conscious. He felt like he was occupying a lot of space.

She looked a bit embarrassed too, she was kinda struggling to find the words. "Thanks for the cereal."

"Yeah, no problem." He awkwardly waved at her while she walked away with one last stolen glance.

He stayed there for a moment, confused. What the fuck had just happened?


	4. Chapter 4

Later that morning, at the office, Pam was even more distracted than usual. She couldn't stop thinking about that weird meeting at the supermarket. She couldn't believe she actually kinda flirted with that guy! This must have had to do with the weird mood she had been in in these past few months. The most surprising thing of all was that she wasn't feeling guiltyin the slightest. Not one bit. She was feeling alive and full of energy. Actually, she felt better than she had felt in months. That guy totally thought she was hot. The way he had looked at her sent shivers down her spine. Roy hadn't looked at her like that in ages.

And he was so good looking. Very tall, with such great body. And the hair! The hair was just gorgeous, she wanted to put her fingers right trough it. But most of all, what she couldn't shake away were those green eyes. They were absolutely magnetic.

"Pam, are you listening?

She snapped out of her fantasy to find Angela at her desk.

"Oh, sorry. I was distracted."

"I know what you were thinking about."

"What?" Pam was confused, like most times at work.

"You were blushing. That's inappropriate, Pam. Shame on you."

"I…just…" she had learned there was no point in trying to reason with her coworkers, so she just let go.

"What do you need, Angela?

"I need a copy of the last corporate fax."

"Sure."

It took Pam way longer than usual to find the fax. She kept being distracted by the memories of the green eyes guy, as she was calling him in her mind.

She kept her secret for the whole week, adding little details to her mystery man. He must have been from out of town. He was probably called Dan or Matt. She was very well aware of how pathetic this whole thing was, but when there's nothing going on in your life, you have to fill the void someway.

Sunday had been an absolute nightmare. They had lunch with Roy's parents and, like always, everyone kept asking her when she was finally gonna have a baby: her mother in law, her father in law, even Roy's grandma told her she wanted to hold her great grandchild before she was dead. How was she suppose to reply to that? All she could do was smile awkwardly and nod.

Roy wasn't helping. He was going around saying things like "yeah, we've talked about it! We're gonna start pretty soon!" Those were both lies. They had not decided to try to have children. They didn't even discuss it. The whole conversation could be summed up with Roy pushing her while she didn't say anything. But obviously, he didn't give a shit.

Later that night, their dinner was even more silent that usual.

"Roy?" She hated how tentative and unsure her voice sounded.

"Yeah?"

She couldn't look at him, so she kept staring at her plate. "Why did you tell your family we're gonna start trying to have a baby?"

"Because we are," he replied, matter of factly. In his mind there was no doubt and Pam was completely shocked by how clueless he was.

"No, we are not."

He looked at her like she was crazy. "What the hell are you talking about? We've been married three years!"

"So? Don't you think we should discuss it before you just go and make a decision? It's not something you can do on your own, you know that, right?"

She was furious. It was disrespectful how he didn't even care about how she felt regarding the biggest decision of her whole life.

"We did discuss it. We want kids."

"Yes…eventually. Not right now."

Roy put down his fork with a clang. He was clearly getting angry.

"I'm so tired of this bullshit, Pam. What the hell is your problem?"

She felt attacked and started to get nervous. "I…I'm just not ready."

"Well, you're 30! When the fuck are you gonna be ready?" He was shouting at her now.

She could feel the tears coming, but she didn't want to cry. She didn't want to be weak. Not tonight. "I don't know, Roy. Just…not right now."

"Well, I'm tired of waiting for you. You better make up your mind."

Pam was suddenly hit with a very unsettling idea. "Is that why you told those things to your family? To put pressure on me?"

He stood up. "Are you fucking kidding me? Is that what you think of me?"

She didn't know what to say so she just looked away to try to keep the tears from finally coming out.

He was still shouting. "You wanna know why I said those things? Because I want a child and I thought you wanted that too. I want a family. You know it. You've always known it."

He was right. She had always known it. And she realized that even if he was being a dick, he had a point. He married her thinking they were on the same page about this, but now she wasn't sure anymore and it wasn't fair.

"I'm sorry." She really was. She was sorry about so many things.

He moved closer to her. "Pam, look at me." She did. She saw he was tearing up and that terrified her. "Do you wanna have kids?"

The silence seemed to stretch forever. It was the defying moment of their marriage. Whatever answer she was gonna gave him right now was gonna change them forever. She lost her battle against tears.

"I…I don't think so."

She saw him crushed. She could feel she had just broken his heart. He moved away from her, walked to the other side of the room, his back turned, so she couldn't see the pain written all over his face.

She got up and walked toward him. She tried to put a hand on his shoulder. "Roy…"

He pushed her hand away. "Stay the fuck away from me! You knew it! You knew it! Why are you doing this to me?" He turned around, and Pam really wished he hadn't. The look on his face was terrifying.

Pam couldn't speak. She just stood there, frozen. He moved closer.

"What am I supposed to do, Pam?"

The words got choked up in her throat. She just started at him. "Talk to me!" he shouted.

She looked down at the floor. She couldn't bare to look at him anymore, it was just so hard. "I'm sorry." She said it so low she wasn't sure he actually heard her.

He moved past her and walked straight out in the hallway. "I need to get the hell out of here. I am gonna sleep at Kenny's."

She followed him. "Roy, don't."

"I'm sorry, I can't do this right now." He took his coat and stepped out of the apartment, slamming the door behind.

Pam slid down on the floor, exhausted, unable to stand on her shaking legs any longer. She felt guilty, she felt lost, she felt crushed. She kept asking herself what the fuck was wrong with her. There was a scary thought forming in her mind that made her feel even worse. Maybe the problem wasn't that she didn't want kids. Maybe the problem was that she didn't want them with Roy.

The next morning she called in sick from work, sat on the couch and waited for him to come home, or at least call her. She waited in vain. Tired and a bit desperate, she she went out for a walk, stopping at her usual place in the park, hoping that maybe he might come looking for her there. So she sat on her swing and waited. And waited. And waited. Until she saw a man slowly working toward her, but he wasn't her husband. He was the green eyed man.

That brief encounter at the supermarket had had a very weird impact on Jim. He couldn't stop thinking about the girl in the pink sweater. He blamed sobriety and his fragile state for this ridiculous behavior. What was he, a high school kid? But still, it was kinda nice to feel…something, whatever that was. For the first time since he arrived in Scranton, for a short, precious moment he had forgotten about his misery. Those had been the best three minutes he had had in months. And again, he was completely aware of how pathetic that was. Still, thinking about her shy smile, the way she played with her necklace, the way she flirted with him…it was nice. It was a kind of distraction that didn't involve a glass and a lot of self loathing.

Unfortunately, he was forced to come back to reality pretty soon. He had decided to finally tell the truth to his parents. He knew he at least owed them that much.

So now he was sitting awkwardly on their couch, searching his mind for the right way to break this to them. He was not sure there was one.

When he arrived, his dad had offered him a beer, as he always did. Jim was so close to taking it, but then realized that maybe announcing to them he was getting clean while holding a beer might send a conflicted message.

So now here he was, his parents just cheerfully talking about things Jim wasn't really listening to.

"Mom, dad…I need to talk to you."

"Sure son. What's up?" His father already sounded worried. He knew Jim well enough to sense something was wrong.

"Are you ok, honey?" His mom was already in protective mode. It was clear they had been waiting for this since he came back to Scranton.

"I'm…I'm not here on vacation. I was fired." He dropped the first bomb. One more to go. He looked at their worried and surprised faces and almost wanted to laugh. They had no idea how worse things were gonna get.

"What happened?" His mom moved to the edge of the couch.

"I got fired because I was drunk at a meeting." He said it all in one breath, hoping to get it out as fast as possible.

"Oh Jimmy!" He hated when his mom called him that. It made him feel like he was 5 years old all over again.

"But how did that happened? Did you went to a party or something?" His dad asked.

Here he was. It was time. No coming back from that.

"I have a problem. I'm an alcoholic."

He had figured that coming clean would give him a sense of relief, but he was wrong. He could read the disappointment and worry all over his parents' faces, no matter how hard they were trying to hide it, and it was making him feel incredibly guilty. He just wanted to get the fuck away from that house as soon as possible.

"Are you doing something about that?" For the first time in his life, Jim was very glad of his dad's no bullshit attitude.

"Yes. I'm going to meetings, I've got a sponsor. I've been sober for 17 days."

"Good. That's good, right?" His mom asked, searching for some sort of reassurance.

"Yes, it's good." His father answered before Jim could.

"I'm trying my best," Jim said, almost choking on his words.

"I know, honey, I know," his mom replied, putting one arm around him. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"I was ashamed. I am ashamed."

"Don't be. You're getting help and that's all that matters. We're gonna be here for you every step of the way."

He knew his parents would have been the most understanding people, and it made him feel even worse. He didn't deserve understanding and compassion, he deserved to be kicked in the ass.

When he finally left the house, he decided he need some time on his own before facing Amy's questions, so he walked around with no precise destination, just breathing in the warm summer night. He could actually see the stars there.

He decided the park might be a good idea. He walked around there for a bit, lost in his mind, until he saw something. Or better, he saw someone. Sitting on a swing there was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He recognized her immediately: the girl in the pink sweater. He decided this must have been destiny, finding her on such a miserable night. Maybe she was a sign. Maybe the universe was trying to tell him something. Or maybe he was just being a complete idiot.

He stood there a moment, uncertain. What was he supposed to do? Go to her? She would have thought he was a stalker. He would have gotten pepper sprayed or something. It was dark and there was no one around. He would have scare the shit out of her.

A rational, smart man would have just let go, but Jim wasn't rational. Not right now at least. He was so deeply lonely he just needed this fake connection to become real. He used to be a charming guy, he could manage to not get slapped. There was nothing wrong in saying hi to her. His feet started moving.

Pam thought he was just a product of her imagination, caused by distress. What were the chances of meeting him right now, on the most miserable moment of her life?

He was getting closer. Usually, Pam's first reaction would be worry, but he looked anything but menacing. He looked like someone who really didn't know what to do with hands, like he was trying so hard not to scare her. It was kinda cute.

He was about a foot from her when he stopped.

"Hi," he said, with a nervous wave.

"Hi," she replied, feeling very strange.

"Ok so…I'm not a stalker or a murder."

Pam's eyes got wide. She kinda wanted to laugh. "Ok?"

He was clearly cursing at himself in his head. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to make sure I didn't scare you."

"Well, if you were a murder, you would probably say the same thing." Pam smiled at him. She couldn't help herself. Something about him just felt…right.

He let go of a breath he had probably held since he had started walking. "You have a point," he said with a more natural, prettier smile. "I just saw you and I guessed I'd come say hi. Do you remember me?"

"The cereal guy. Of course I do." They looked at each other, both embarrassed and feeling like complete idiots.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" he asked, pointing at the other swing.

"It's a free park."

"Thanks." He sat down, his long legs and arms looking absolutely adorable in the way too small swing. He offered her his hand and a killer smile. "I'm Jim."

Jim. She liked that name.

"I'm Pam." When their hands met, there was a wave of instant electricity they both felt. He was holding on a bit too long, so Pam had to be the one taking her hand away first, feeling a sudden pain of guilt when she glanced at her wedding ring.

"So, Jim, you're not from here, are you?"

"Technically, yes. I grew up here, but I live in New York now. How about you?"

"Born and raised in Scranton. 100% local."

"And what do you do in Scranton?"

"I'm a receptionist," she said like she would have said someone had run over her puppy.

"That's nice," he offered, encouragingly.

"No, trust me, it's not. It's actually horrible." It was the first time she had said that at loud. And she did it in front of a complete stranger. She was still blaming distress.

"Oh. I'm sorry about that." He sounded very honest.

"That's ok. I'm used to it by now. What do you do in New York?"

"Well…" he was hesitant for a moment, "ok, I'm just gonna tell you the truth. I used to work for for a discography label, but I got fired."

The hurt in his voice told Pam there was more to this story. "I'm sorry. Is that why you came back here?"

"Yeah…kinda."

They were comfortably silent for a moment. It was kind of weird for Pam to feel so relaxed and at ease in such a situation. She was usually way more shy.

For a moment, sitting there, she forgot about her messy, fucked up life.

"So…" the moment he started talking, Pam's phone rang and she was brutally dragged back into reality. It was Roy.

"I'm sorry, I've got to take this." She got up from the swing and moved a few feet away from him.

Suddenly alone, Jim was trying to decide if he had to wait for her to be done or just walk away. He couldn't hear what she was saying, but he could tell she was pretty upset. There was a deep sadness in her that Jim could sense and recognize. She was clearly just as broken as he was.

She closed her phone and moved towards him. There were tears in her eyes.

"Are you ok?" he immediately asked, sincerely worried.

"Yeah. Yeah. I gotta go…"

"Do you want me to walk you home? You don't seem ok." Was he overstepping his boundaries?

"I'm fine, I just need to go home, ok?" She sounded angry, and Jim felt like a total ass.

"I'm sorry. It's none of my business. I'm just…I'm just gonna go. Sorry."

"No, wait. I'm sorry. I'm being rude. It's just a really bad time."

He felt a bit of relief and offered a little smile.

"I really have to go though. It was nice meeting you, Jim." She started walking away.

He didn't want to just let her go, not after he had found her again. "Wait, Pam…can I see you again?"

She turned back, surprised. "I'm…I'm married."

"I know. I saw the ring. I mean…" What did he mean? "I don't have many friends here. In fact, I don't have any at all. I could really use one. And from the look of it, you might too."

He couldn't believe what he was saying. This was gonna end terribly, terribly wrong.

"Yeah, you're right." Now, that wasn't the reply Jim was expecting. "You know what, call me at work. Dunder Mifflin. It's in the phone book."

Jim felt a weird, crazy happiness. He didn't care if she was married, that's not why he asked to see her. He was not that guy. But he truly, deeply wanted to know her and spend time with her, even as just a friend.

"I will. See you soon, Pam."

"See you, Jim."


	5. Chapter 5

Pam walked home in a state of complete confusion. Roy had called to tell her he was back home and was ready to talk. She was so agitated she didn't even get mad at the fact that all he seemed to care about was when _he _was willing to talk. The relief of having her husband home was mixed with a weird feeling of disappointment she couldn't really understand. She wanted her husband back, right?

Still, on a critical moment like that, she hadn't run home. She had stopped to tell a handsome stranger to call her. She was losing her mind, there was no other possible explanation.

Before opening her apartment's door, she stopped and took a deep breath. She had been waiting for this moment for a whole day, but now all she wanted was to run as far away as possible. But she couldn't. But she couldn't hide on her doorstep either. She breathed in and out one more time and then just stepped in.

She was immediately surrounded by Roy's arms.

"I'm so sorry babe, I shouldn't have left like that."

She hugged him back, unsure about her own feelings. "No, it's ok."

Roy finally let go of her. "Just, come sit. We should talk."

She took off her jacket and sat on the opposite side of the couch, as far away from him as she could get. She started pulling and stretching the sleeves of her sweater, just to hide how much her hands were shaking. She didn't say a word, so Roy had to be the one to start talking.

"So, what you think we should do about..." he couldn't even finish the phrase.

She had no idea. There were only two possible options: either she changed her mind and decided to have a kid right now, or Roy was gonna resent her for the rest of their lives. She just couldn't win.

"I'm sorry, Roy. What I said the other night...that wasn't fair to you."

"I don't give a damn if it was fair or not. I wanna know if that's how you feel."

"I just, I don't know. Maybe. Right now at least." Every word was burning in her throat.

"Well, I need to know, Pam. This affects me too!" He was starting to get angry again.

"I know that. Just give me some time, ok?" She hated how weak she sounded. She wished she was one of those people who could just say whatever was on their mind, without being so fucking scared all the time.

"Are you unhappy with me?" he said suddenly, a vulnerability in his voice Pam had never heard before.

She looked at him, lost. Unsure of the truth.

"I'm not an idiot, Pam. I can see it. You never smile anymore."

She never thought he had noticed. He wasn't the most empathetic and considerate man in the world. Or maybe she was just being selfish, so wrapped up in her mind she wasn't even paying attention to him anymore. Whatever the case was, she wasn't prepared to answer a question like that.

"It's not like that, Roy. I love you." At least that wasn't a lie. She would have always loved him. They had been together for so long. The real question was what kind of love that had actually become.

"That doesn't really answer my question."

"I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know what's wrong with me."

He put his arm around her shoulder, his anger melting away. Pam's first instinct was to push him away, but she knew he was trying his best right now. She felt so vulnerable and broken, all she wanted was to run away. Instead, she stood completely still.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Pam. Maybe it's just a phase..."

Pam wanted to scream. How did he manage to always say the worst thing? But she had no energy left, so she just nodded, giving up. Like always. "Yeah, maybe."

"Just...let's go to bed, ok? I need you." He started touching her leg, pressing his hand against her knee. Once again, he made it all about him. About what he needed. About what he was feeling.

Pam submissively followed him in the bedroom, feeling like crying. Maybe that's what they needed to get over their fight. Talking didn't really bring them anywhere, did it? So maybe sex could help. It was worth a try at least.

Sitting in his bed, the phone book on his legs, Jim had a vivid flashback to his 15 years old self trying to call Emily to set up their first date. He was gonna take her to see a movie, hoping to get a chance to maybe kiss her. Those were the days.

It was a very strange feeling. In his years in New York he had had his fair share of dates. He wasn't a playboy, for sure, but he was a good looking guy with a lot of money and a nice sense humor, so he had never been particularly shy.

But now, he had been staring at the number under "Dunder Mifflin Paper Company" for half an hour, trying to decide what to do. She was married! Nothing good could ever come out of this situation. But he wasn't lying to her when he said he needed a friend. She was nice, and she seemed like she needed someone too. There was nothing wrong with that, right? People made new friends all the time, and he wasn't in the position to start a new relationship anyway.

He finally picked up the phone and dialed the number. He could feel his heart beating in his throat, just like 15 years ago.

He waited, then a soft, warm voice answered. "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam."

"Hi, I'm Jim. The guy...from the park." Cool. He was already making an ass of himself.

"Oh." She sounded...surprised? Disappointed? Annoyed? It was hard to tell with just one little vowel.

"I'm sorry. Am I disturbing you? I can call later. Or, well, not call at all." What was wrong with him?

He heard a chuckle from the other line. "No, no! It's ok."

"You said I could call you, you know, for a coffee or something?" When had he become so awkward?

"Yeah. Sure."

She wasn't talking much, and he started wondering if it was because she didn't wanna talk to him or because she wasn't really supposed to take personal calls.

"So..." they both said at the same time. And then they both fell silent. Jim put an hand on his face, completely embarrassed at how poorly this conversation was going.

"Do you wanna go grab a coffee later?" He blurted out in one breath.

"Oh. Well, I work till 5."

"We can meet after. If you want to, obviously."

"Uhm," a moment of pause that felt like ages to Jim, "sure, why not?"

The relief he felt at that answer made him almost laugh out loud. "Great, I'll see you at 5:30 on the coffee shop near the park."

"Ok. I'll see you there. Bye, Jim."

"Bye, Pam." And with that, he pulled down the phone, while he wondered if, finally, his luck was finally turning around.

Pam was still holding the phone, her eyes fixed on some point in the distance. Had she just agreed to go on a date with someone? No, that was ridiculous. She was just gonna grab a cup of coffee with a really attractive man she had just met. What was happening to her? That was not the kind of things she usually did.

In that moment, she really wished she had a girl friend to confide to. Someone she could ask for advices without fear of being judged. She thought about calling Isabelle, but she knew how biased she was against Roy. They had had a fair share of fight about that.

She looked around the office, searching for options among her women colleagues, making a mental list: Angela would have called her a whore, probably. Phyllis had a way of getting way too personal. Kelly would probably know what to do in a situation like that, but ten seconds later the whole office would have known about it. There was only one person left, the only sane one in that asylum: Janet.

So during lunch break, Pam decided to talk to her. She found her sitting alone in one of the table, reading a newspaper. Yes, Janet was the kind of person who read a newspaper during her lunch break. She was everything Pam wasn't, everything she hoped she could be.

She looked like a very professional, determined woman. She was very pretty, with her brown short hair modeled in a classy haircut, her big smart eyes and her flawless make up that made them "pop", like women on all those magazines said. Even her style was perfect. Meeting her on the street, one would assume she was a lawyer or a banker, not a paper salesman. She really embrace the whole "dress for the job you want" thing.

With her crazy curly hair, her simple clothes bought on sales and her lack of make up, Pam felt kind of insignificant next to her.

"Hi Janet." Pam said, sitting in front of her. Janet hadn't noticed her. No one ever did.

"Oh, hi Pam."

Pam wasn't sure how to ask what she wanted to ask. She was tearing apart the lid from the water bottle in front of her, nervous and unsure. "Can I ask you something?"

Janet finally took her eyes away from her paper to look at Pam, a suspicious look in her eyes. They never really talked much. "Sure."

"Do you think a man and a woman can be just friends?" She said it so fast she wasn't sure Janet had been able to understand a single word.

"It depends," Janet replied, without flinching at the strangeness and randomness of the question. "It's obviously ok if they are old time friends."

"And what if they are not?" Pam could feel her cheeks burning.

"I guess it's still fine if there's not attraction. But if there is, then it's gonna get messy at some point."

Pam didn't say anything. She knew for a fact that she was attracted to Jim, there was no denying that, he was incredibly hot and so charming. But that didn't mean she wanted to cheat on Roy. She wouldn't do that. She wouldn't be that person. Maybe this was just a terrible idea. She shouldn't go to their date. Well, not date. Meeting. Or whatever.

"Why did you asked?" Janet said. Pam was so lost in her thoughts she had even forgotten she was talking to her.

"What?"

"Why did you ask me if men and women can be friends?"

Pam's face turned all the shapes of red, causing Janet to smile in a knowing way, which made Pam feel even more embarrassed.

"Nothing, just, a friend of mine met this guy and...you know..." Seriously, 'a friend of hers'? She couldn't have been more obvious if she tried. Why did she even talk to Janet in the first place? This was going horribly wrong.

"Sure. And how does your 'friend'," Pam swore she could hear the air quotes around the word, "feels about this guy?"

"She loves her husband." Pam replied, very defensively.

"Oh. You didn't mention she was married."

"Yeah." Pam avoided Janet's eyes, looking down at her hands. The lid she was torturing now completely torn apart.

"Well, if she loves her husband, then she has nothing to be worried about."

Janet pulled her paper back up, saving Pam from this torture. Pam got up and whispered a thank you before going back to her desk, more confused that she was before.

Jim was 15 minutes early. He sat at a table, waiting, his fingers tapping nervously on the wood. What if she had changed her mind? What if she didn't show up? There was a little voice inside his head telling him that would have probably be for the best, but he ignore it, his hopes way too high to be crushed like that.

And then she finally appeared. He started smiling so hard he thought his face was gonna rip in two.

"Hi!" He stood up and almost run toward her, realizing too late that he was being a bit too enthusiastic.

"Hi." She was smiling too. That was a good sign. She had come right from work, judging from the way she was dressed.

They sat down in silence. She was looking down at her hands, Jim was trying not to stare at her. Neither one of them was talking, and Jim had no idea how to break the ice. He picked up the menu, pretending to be very interested in the items while mentally cursing himself. She started playing with her necklace, glancing at him from time to time.

"So..." he tried to start talking, but nothing was coming up in his mind. He wanted to say something funny and smart to break the ice. "How was work?" He clearly failed.

"Oh," she replied, probably surprised by the stupidity of the question, "it was ok."

"You know, the place you work at, what's that called again?" He used to be so smooth once. He started to think that might have been the alcohol.

"Dunder Mifflin," she replied with a questioning look.

"That sounds so familiar to me. What do you guys do?"

"We sell paper."

"No way!" Jim exclaimed, finally realizing when he had heard that name.

"Yeah, some people still buy paper...you know?" She was clearly a bit confused by his reaction.

"No, I know. It's just that I almost got a job there a few years ago." It was such a crazy coincidence.

"Really?" She seemed just as shocked as he was.

"Yeah! I had an interview, but I never showed up. We could have been colleagues!" Jim wondered once again how his life would have been if he had made a different choice. Maybe he would have been married to this amazing girl by now. Wow, he really was letting his mind going.

"You dodged a bullet, trust me."

"Come on, it can't be that bad." What he thought was 'it couldn't have been worse than how my life worked out' but that's not something you say to a woman on your first date. Or...whatever this was.

"You have no idea. That place is just...insane." She looked like she wanted to go on a long rant about her workplace. Jim knew the feeling, so he encouraged her. "Insane how?"

"I would tell you some stories, but you wouldn't believe me."

"Test me," he said, putting his elbow on the table and unconsciously moving closer to her.

"Ok." She concentrated for a second, then said: "how about this: my boss has a 'world best boss' mug...that he bought for himself."

"Oh my God!" he said with a smile.

"That's nothing. I can fill a book with the crazy things that happen in there."

She kept talking to him about her office, about the time her boss took and inflatable doll to a sexual harassment meeting or the time a very weird salesman who lived on a farm got a concussion to help his boss who had just burned his foot on a grill. She also described in very atrocious details every edition of a thing called "dundies", which sounded like a horror version of the Oscars.

This should have been very boring, but Jim was completely captivated by her. The way she told those stories showed she had just the best sense of humor, and she was kind of a dork. He laughed more than he had in years.

"Looks like you're the only sane person in there," he said, still laughing.

"Barely. I'm not sure how long I can resist before I turn into one of them."

"Come on, Pam. You're like the Obi One of that office. You're their only hope!" Jim realized this was the first Star Wars reference he made since he was in college. He had no idea how that came out.

"You're such a nerd!" Pam replied with a big, bright smile.

"Come on, everyone loves Star Wars, that's a fact."

"You might have a point," she admitted, moving her head to the side a little in the most adorable way, "anyway, I think I've bored you enough. How about you, Jim?"

What about him? That wasn't really a topic he wanted to discuss. "There's really not much to say."

"I don't believe it," she said, shaking her head, "you said you worked for a music label, didn't you?"

"Nice memory." He was truly impressed and secretly very happy she had remembered such a small detail of their first conversation. "Yeah, I did."

"Then I bet you've got a lot of interesting story to tell."

He leaned back on his chair, folding is arms. "In fact, I can think of a few."

"Come on then, entertain me."

He thought for a moment about all the great times he had in the first few years of his job, going through memories, trying to find one that would impress her. "Well, I once had dinner with Paul McCartney."

"No way!" she almost screamed, wide eyed.

"Are you calling me a liar?" he asked, grinning at her.

"That Paul McCartney?"

"That's what he said," he replied laughing, amused at her complete shock, "I had no reason not to believe him."

"Wow. That's impressive."

He talked about every detail of that dinner, with Pam interrupting from time to time to ask questions, completely captivated. What Jim loved the most though, was how she laughed at all his jokes. They just clicked so perfectly together, it was almost hard to believe.

Minutes, hours passed without them even realizing. They were both laughing a lot, until they stopped. They looked at each other, keeping eye contact for a moment that made time stop, like in the cheesiest movies. Jim felt something he couldn't really name, like every cell of his body was suddenly alive. He wanted to just lean in and kiss her, right there, over their cups of coffee, in front of everyone, and damn the consequences. He took her hand, touching her wrist with his fingertips. She didn't take it back. She kept looking at him, waiting.

Then her phone rang, the ghost of her husband was clear in her guilty face, in the way she pulled her hand away as if he was burning her. The moment was suddenly gone. Jim pulled back.

She was married. The realization hit him hard. All this time, he had tried to ignore that, not to look at the ring on her finger, to pretend it wasn't important. But it was.

She fumbled around in her purse, looking for the phone, her face flushed, her hands shaking a bit. Jim knew she had felt it too. That one perfect moment. He felt guilty. What right did he have to do that to her?

"Roy? Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry. I lost track of time." She got up and put her jacked on, still talking on the phone. "I'm sorry. I'll be there in five minutes, sorry." She hung up her phone and opened her wallet.

"No, don't. It's on me," Jim said immediately, getting up.

"No, I wanna pay my half. It's ok." She put the money on the table. "I'm sorry but I really have to go. It's seven-thirty already." They had been talking for two and a half hours. It had felt like minutes to Jim.

"Yeah, sure," he said, panicking a bit, "I didn't realize. I lost track of time, I'm sorry." All the easiness and warm their conversation had had right from the start was completely gone. Now, everything was filled of guilt, embarrassment, things that couldn't be said.

"Not your fault," she replied with a forced half smile. "Thanks for the nice afternoon, Jim. It was fun." She couldn't look him in the eyes anymore. He couldn't blame her.

"Yeah, it was." They stood there a moment longer, looking everywhere but at each other.

"Well, bye, Jim." He saw sadness in her eyes, but he might have been imagining it. He wasn't trusting himself much right now.

"Bye, Pam."

With one last look, she turned around and walked out the door. That was it. He wasn't gonna see her anymore. If he let her go now, she was gonna be out of his life forever, as suddenly as she had appeared. He couldn't let that happen. Not without at least one more try.

He followed her out. She had just turn the corner.

"Pam!" He screamed, not caring that everyone was staring him.

She turned around, confused, maybe a bit scared. "What?"

"Can I call you again?" He knew he was sounding pathetic. His eyes were basically begging her to say yes.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Jim." Her voice wasn't steady. He could feel this was not what she wanted to say.

"Pam, come on. You felt that too."

She stood there a second with a lost expression. She couldn't say what Jim wanted to hear, but he could see it all over her face.

"I'm sorry." She turned her back at him and started walking away.

Jim sat on the sidewalk, head in his hands. That was the best first date he had ever had in his life, and it wasn't even a real date. He was never gonna see her again.

He got up and walked for a while, trying to clear his mind. Then he entered a pub.


	6. Chapter 6

Pam almost ran home. She was clutching her purse so hard her hands were hurting. She wanted to get as far away as possible from Jim. She didn't trust that voice inside of her that kept telling her to turn around and tell him he was right, she had felt it too. That little moment. She had never experienced anything like that before. She had felt her skin burn when he touched her hand, a pain in her chest when she thought he was going to kiss her, a desire so strong that made her forget about Roy, about her vows, about anything that wasn't him, his eyes, his lips, the way he was moving closer to her.

She couldn't allow herself to wonder what would have happened if the phone hadn't rang in that exact moment. The reality was that it had, the rest didn't matter. It had been a sign. The universe reminding her she had an obligation, a responsibility.

Finally home. It took her a bit to open the door cause her hands were shaking. All she wanted to do was be alone for a while, but she found Roy waiting for her, leaning against the wall, arms crossed, anger in his eyes.

"Welcome back," he grunted between his teeth, "where the hell have you been?"

"I'm sorry," she replied in a submissive tone, looking down at her feet. She couldn't bare to face him, the guilt weighing on her. "I was having coffee with a friend and I lost track of time." That wasn't technically a lie, so why did it feel so much like one?

"You could have called!" he shouted, furious like Pam had never seen him before, "you might have been dead for all I know!"

"It was just a couple of hours," she answered, her voice so soft it was barely audible, "I'm sorry. You're right, I should have called you."

"Yeah, you should have." he said, suddenly stepping back and rubbing his face with his hands, "who was this friend?"

Pam looked away from him again. She wasn't sure what to say, all she knew was that she couldn't look him in the eyes. She had always been a terrible liar.

"Just someone I met recently." As long as she kept telling him half truths, she could keep her guilt under control. Or at least she believed so.

"Cut the bullshit, Pam!" There was a sarcastic grin on his face now, and that scared Pam more than the violence of his words. "I saw you."

The air around her froze completely. He saw her. He saw her flirting with Jim, laughing at his jokes. Did he see him touching her hand? Did he see him almost kissing her, and her almost letting him? She didn't want to lie to him, so she just staid there. Silent. Stunned. Terrified.

"Aren't you gonna say anything?" he sounded so tired. "I saw you. With the tall guy. Your so called friend. How long have you been sleeping with him?"

And just like that her disbelief, her guilt, her sadness where all replaced by a devastating sense of anger. She wanted to scream, to slap him, to hurt him. How could he ask her that question? How could he ever think she could do something like that? All this years, could he not know her at all? "Are you insane? I can't believe you trust me so little." She was feeling trapped. Her chest was heavy and she couldn't breathe. It was just too much.

"Oh, really, you're gonna be the offended one?" he scoffed, "so if you're so honest and pure, what the fuck where you doing having coffee with him, smiling and laughing and..."

"Roy, stop it! I didn't...I was just having coffee with a friend! Nothing happened! Nothing has ever happened!"

"Bullshit." He took a step forward and grabbed her by the shoulder, looking her deep in the eyes.

"How long have you been sleeping with him?". Every single word of that question was spit out with pure fury. "Answer me, Pam!" His fingers were pressing hard on her skin now. She tried to free herself from his grasp-

"Roy, please, let me go, you're hurting me." She was scared. She had never been scared of her husband before.

He looked at her in the eyes and she saw confusion, pain, shame. He let her go and turn his back at her, incapable of looking at her anymore.

She was crying. She had never seen him so upset and hurt and it was all her fault. "Roy, listen to me. I've never, ever slept with anyone else but you in my whole life. Do you really believe I could do something like that to you?"

"I don't know anymore, Pam." He didn't sound angry now. He sounded vulnerable, fragile, terrified. "I don't know what's going on with you anymore."

"Roy, look at me." He turned around slowly and she locked eyes with him, hoping he could see she was not lying. "I didn't sleep with him. I didn't have any intention too. I'd never cheat on you, ever."

"Than what were you doing with him?"

"I told you, I was just having coffee. I meet him a few days ago, he's new in town and he has no friends. I was just being nice." Again, half truths. She was a horrible person.

"Then why didn't you just tell me?"

That was a good question, and Pam didn't have a good answer.

"I don't know" was all she managed to say. She moved closer to him and touched his face. "I'm sorry."

He took her hand away.

"I think you wanted to hide him from me, Pam. The way you were laughing with him. You haven't laugh like that with me in a long time. You were the happiest I've seen you in years. With someone who wasn't me." He took her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him straight in the eyes. She couldn't escape. "What happened to us, Pam?"

"I don't know, Roy." For once that day she was being completely honest.

"Do you have feelings for this guy?"

She couldn't lie. Not right now. She owe him this.

"Maybe. It's just, I think...I think it was a fantasy. I haven't been very happy lately." It felt good to finally admit it.

"What am I doing wrong, Pam? Just tell me. I wanna fix this." Now there were tears in his eeyes too. Pam had never seen Roy cry. "I don't want you to leave me"

"I'm not going to." She couldn't keep causing him all this pain. He deserved better than this. She made a decision, right there in her hallway. She was gonna be a good wife. She was gonna force herself to be happy and caring

"I'm gonna fight for you," Roy said before kissing her. The most passionate kiss they have shared in years. But still, something didn't feel right.

Jim kept staring at the empty glass in front of him. Maybe, if he concentrated hard enough, he could just make what he did go away. Two glasses of Whiskey, no ice. He could still feel it, the well known taste of alcohol on his tongue, the warmth in the pit of his stomach, the little burn in his throat with every sip. He had missed it so much. He wanted to cry. He wanted to rest his head on the dark, scraped wood of his lonely table and weep like a child. He had failed. He had failed at this like at everything else in his life. He couldn't even last a whole fucking month.

He asked the waitress for a refill. What was the point of stopping now? He was weak. He was a loser. He was gonna die in a pool of his on vomit in an empty apartment, or crush his car against a pole. He didn't even care anymore. He could see no way out.

Changing city wasn't working. Running away wasn't the solution. He still brought himself with him, the only thing he hated and wanted to leave behind.

When he left the bar a few hours later, he was completely drunk. He could barely stand still. That's when he saw her, right at the corner of the street. Curly hair, a black coat. It was Pam. It must have been Pam. He ran towards her and grabbed her arm. She turned around, a disgusted expression on her face. It wasn't her. It was a stranger, a boring, insignificant stranger.

He barely had the time to realize what had happened before getting hit hard by a punch in the face. His reflexes were way to slow for him to eve try to defend himself. He fell down, hitting his head on the concrete. A big guy was over him, grabbing him by the collar of his t-shirt. He tried to react, to do something, to fight back, but he was too week. Everything was spinning around him. He felt another punch. He tasted blood. Then a sharp pain in his side. A kick, probably. He heard a woman scream "let him go!", then someone spit on him. His head hurt, his face was swallowing up. He saw another punch coming and he closed his eyes, and everything went black.

He heard noises. Voices. A lot of voices. He opened his eyes again but all he could see was a blur of colors. It was too confusing, everything hurt too much. Someone grabbed him and pulled him up, he didn't resist. He got dragged inside a car and placed in the backseat. He laid down, closing his eyes again, letting the movement of the car lolling him into sleep, not caring one bit about what was happening to him.


End file.
